I'm sad, but handling it well because we knew this was coming for over a year now. My G'pa (on my Dad's said) had Alzheimer's and it got bad really quickly. The last 6 months or so he has been in the nursing home and had lost over 35 lbs.
His quality of life was 0% and really for the sake of him not being in pain anymore I had hoped this would happen months ago b/c I just hate to think of my G'pa stuck in a bed wasting away to a slow death.
It's really the first time someone close in my family has passed away. I lost great grandparents and an uncle on my step-dad's side, but I have been so lucky to have all of my grandparents (including step-dad's side) alive until this very moment. I'm 29 so I know this is so very special.
I won't be going to the funeral since its a 12 hour drive and will probably end up being in the middle of the week. Plus I've got to start my injections and have some Dr. appointments, so it just wouldn't work. I had said my goodbyes and started to make peace with this when I last saw my grandparent's which was almost 2 years ago because G'pa was already getting bad then.
I hate that I didn't see them more between that time and now, but like my Dad and I were talking about, I got to spend a dozen or so summers with them not to mention some holidays and special events like graduations and my wedding (my G'pa didn't get to come but my G'ma surprised me). We decided its much better to visit when we can have fun and enjoy each others company than visit next to the hospital bed. I have happy memories of G'pa and that's how I want to remember him. Not the way he was when I last visited him because that was sad. I want the happy times, and I have those.
Sorry I'm rambling, I guess I need to get this out so I can finish processing this and make my peace. Tonight my G'pa get fireworks for the wonderful 90 year life he lived. I love you G'pa!
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
House updates
Way back on Jan 28th I posted a list of things I wanted done around the house... so I thought I'd update what stuff has been accomplished and add some to the list. Since the tornado, I have to say that a LOT of work got done that I never thought would happen. Anyway, here goes:
House TLC for 2011
House TLC for 2011
- Donate any clothes, shoes, etc. I (or B) no longer wear / use (Donated a lot after the Apr. 27th tornado, still need to go through some clothes though b/c I know there's more I could get rid of)
Throw out too worn / unusable clothes, shoes, etc.(This is pretty much done. I'm sure there's an article of clothing here or there that we haven't gone through yet, but mostly done.)- Shred all documents with personal info we no longer need (In the process. Got a LOT of this done, but we still have a good pile. Also need to remember to sign up for no "you're pre-approved" mail)
- Finish painting dining room (Yeah... this didn't get done b/c we had to pile a lot of our stuff in the dining room while the rest of our house was getting fixed...on my too do list for early next year)
- Hang curtains in guest room
- Hang pictures / art (Working on getting things back the way we want them so no wall art yet)
Unclutter livingroom and master bedroom(You could say these are uncluttered since everything got pulled out of each room)- Decorate livingroom and master bedroom
- Finish decorating kitchen
- Put shelves / hooks in laundry room and garage
Arrange pick up for daybed for donation(Daybed was donated!)Get rid of broken futon(Done, helps when you have a 20 something ft dumpster in your front yard for a couple months!)Get rid of dead tree in front yard(This got done not long after the tornado knocked it over)- Landscape front yard (Didn't get this accomplished with all the craziness, but totally on our to do list for Spring. We did get rid of all the crazy bushes and whatnot so we have a clean slate for the Spring)
Get rid of random bushes in backyard (I really don't know what the people who lived here before us were thinking with their random shrubbery in the middle of the back yard!?)(Hallelujah!! Our back yard look soooo much better now!)- Update both bathroom light fixtures (Well, we got the guest bathroom light updated, one down, one to go)
Get livingroom rug steam cleaned(No need now that all the carpet is ripped out and we have laminate!!)- Paint master bathroom (I guess I was wanting to change the color, but for now, the color is fine)
Repaint guest bath (maybe)(Yup, found a new color I love with the new floors. I just lack a second coat and this is finished!)Fix chipped paint in guest room(We had all the walls in this room fixed b/c they were a mess, just have to repaint now)- Decorate guest room
Take all cardboard boxes to be recycled(Done)
- Big project: Unclutter / organize 3rd bedroom (aka storage room) (This is still storage while we were getting the rest of the house fixed. Another big to do to finish early next year)
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Keep on keeping on
We have had *some* progress with our house. We finally have ceilings up and got the tile work done in the guest bathroom. We have all our laminate flooring at the house and it just needs to get installed. However, the guest bathroom flooded last weekend (weakened turn off under the sink) and it totally ruined our bathroom cabinet, so now we have to look for one of those too.
We were hoping to pay off my car with any insurance money left over, but it seems like its going to be all used up. Maybe not, but the way things are going, it sure is looking that way. Oh well, it was wishful thinking to get my car paid off by the end of the year. It would just be nice to have that extra $300 going into savings, or going toward paying of other debt.
Anyway, I guess we'll be starting our next and final Femara + IUI cycle...I'm 14dpo on our natural cycle (with great timing btw) and got a BFN. This one hasn't stung so bad since I know our chances per the RE on our own is like 4%. Still sucks though when everything cycle wise seemed good (ovulation on CD 16 and perfect timing)...ah who am I kidding. I'm honestly just doing the Femara cycle b/c a) I have one more round of meds already and b) I'm postponing the inevitable of injects.
I do have some hope that injects will work, but I'm scared that its going to cause me a lot of missed work (and they are stingy with the sick time... you actually get written up for using a lot of sick time in a small period of time) and I know I'm going to be stressed and totally devastated if a cycle of injects doesn't work. Plus shelling out $400 per IUI not to mention all the monitoring appts which = about $500 +/- a cycle is not an easy thing to do. Especially when things still aren't working. Anyway, that is why I am 99% sure this Femara + IUI cycle will be the last medicated cycle this year for me. I just can't go through all this crap during holidays. They are already stressful enough and work is super busy so I think it'll be better to just take a few weeks off and start fresh next year. And no, I refuse to say 2012 will "be my year" or "will be better than 2011" b/c EVERY year I have done that, nothing comes of it and the year before usually ends up not looking so bad after going through the next year.
Anyway, I know this post sounds woe is me and sad, but I honestly am doing well. Besides some minor bumps, we ARE getting our house fixed and our contractors have been great to work with so far. I have started going to an infertility Bible study and have started breaking through some of my anger towards God, and realizing that I need to try to see the big picture b/c what I'm going through now is just a little glimpse of the whole. I have some great friends that I love talking to and texting with. They help me, encourage me, and we just share in this heartbreak together which helps me (and I hope them) get through the year.
Just a little check in since its been a while. Hopefully I can get some pics of our "new" house once everything is done. It'll be something to celebrate for sure!
We were hoping to pay off my car with any insurance money left over, but it seems like its going to be all used up. Maybe not, but the way things are going, it sure is looking that way. Oh well, it was wishful thinking to get my car paid off by the end of the year. It would just be nice to have that extra $300 going into savings, or going toward paying of other debt.
Anyway, I guess we'll be starting our next and final Femara + IUI cycle...I'm 14dpo on our natural cycle (with great timing btw) and got a BFN. This one hasn't stung so bad since I know our chances per the RE on our own is like 4%. Still sucks though when everything cycle wise seemed good (ovulation on CD 16 and perfect timing)...ah who am I kidding. I'm honestly just doing the Femara cycle b/c a) I have one more round of meds already and b) I'm postponing the inevitable of injects.
I do have some hope that injects will work, but I'm scared that its going to cause me a lot of missed work (and they are stingy with the sick time... you actually get written up for using a lot of sick time in a small period of time) and I know I'm going to be stressed and totally devastated if a cycle of injects doesn't work. Plus shelling out $400 per IUI not to mention all the monitoring appts which = about $500 +/- a cycle is not an easy thing to do. Especially when things still aren't working. Anyway, that is why I am 99% sure this Femara + IUI cycle will be the last medicated cycle this year for me. I just can't go through all this crap during holidays. They are already stressful enough and work is super busy so I think it'll be better to just take a few weeks off and start fresh next year. And no, I refuse to say 2012 will "be my year" or "will be better than 2011" b/c EVERY year I have done that, nothing comes of it and the year before usually ends up not looking so bad after going through the next year.
Anyway, I know this post sounds woe is me and sad, but I honestly am doing well. Besides some minor bumps, we ARE getting our house fixed and our contractors have been great to work with so far. I have started going to an infertility Bible study and have started breaking through some of my anger towards God, and realizing that I need to try to see the big picture b/c what I'm going through now is just a little glimpse of the whole. I have some great friends that I love talking to and texting with. They help me, encourage me, and we just share in this heartbreak together which helps me (and I hope them) get through the year.
Just a little check in since its been a while. Hopefully I can get some pics of our "new" house once everything is done. It'll be something to celebrate for sure!
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
I can't stop crying
All day today I've been fighting back tears. I'd hear a baby cry in the store and tear up, I'd hear a child say something cute and tear up, I'd start to tear up for absolutely nothing at all...I really don't know what's wrong with me. I have hardly eaten anything in the past week, and I've just been so down in the dumps I'm afraid I'm getting depressed (or I'm already there).
We went to the football game Saturday (the first chance we've gotten to go to a home game), and while I had a good time, I really wasn't into it like I normally am. And after the game when we'll go hang out with friends, I just wanted to go home. I'm scared. I've been through a bout of depression over a year ago after my Clomid cycle, and I really don't want to feel stuck like that again. I miss my old self. I used to be happy and outgoing and laugh at things, and now I find myself wanting to be by myself, and sad and quite and crabby.
Part of me wants to just stop this whole TTC thing b/c I think it is just too much to deal with, but the other part of me knows that I really want a baby and I'm afraid I won't be able to be happy not trying. I hope this is just a phase, and I'm just bummed b/c I'm having to sit out this cycle...but I really am an emotional wreck right now. I don't know what to do to make myself happy again. I just feel lost and hopeless and empty.
We went to the football game Saturday (the first chance we've gotten to go to a home game), and while I had a good time, I really wasn't into it like I normally am. And after the game when we'll go hang out with friends, I just wanted to go home. I'm scared. I've been through a bout of depression over a year ago after my Clomid cycle, and I really don't want to feel stuck like that again. I miss my old self. I used to be happy and outgoing and laugh at things, and now I find myself wanting to be by myself, and sad and quite and crabby.
Part of me wants to just stop this whole TTC thing b/c I think it is just too much to deal with, but the other part of me knows that I really want a baby and I'm afraid I won't be able to be happy not trying. I hope this is just a phase, and I'm just bummed b/c I'm having to sit out this cycle...but I really am an emotional wreck right now. I don't know what to do to make myself happy again. I just feel lost and hopeless and empty.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
I don't care...why bother?
I don't care anymore, at least I'm trying really hard. I don't want to care, I don't want to cry, I don't want to be disappointed anymore. I don't want to have to deal with this bull shit called infertility. It sucks and its ruining me and making me stabby and bitter and I hate feeling like this.
I've tried really hard to stay positive. I have my ups and downs like anyone going through a hard time, but this morning was the turning point I guess. Stupid ass test that never shows two lines EVER...I cried, then I sobbed, I got angry, punched my pillow a few times, contemplated going on a crazy, mad woman, angry spree of just being a bitch to everyone all the time....and decided the better decision was to not feel at all. To just not care.
I'm sure I'm a little melodramatic b/c I got screwed again, but I really don't want to care. I hate the way all this is making me feel. There is no way DH is ever going to understand how I'm feeling. He came at me with the logical side of things and I told him no amount of logic is going to get me pregnant and frankly I don't care about logic. I care that I can't get pregnant when all the variables are as perfect as they can be. Why keep throwing money at something that's not going to work?
Will I change my mind in a few days? Probably. Maybe I just got all the bad emotions out so I don't break down on Tues when I get the news that I already know I'm going to get.
I've tried really hard to stay positive. I have my ups and downs like anyone going through a hard time, but this morning was the turning point I guess. Stupid ass test that never shows two lines EVER...I cried, then I sobbed, I got angry, punched my pillow a few times, contemplated going on a crazy, mad woman, angry spree of just being a bitch to everyone all the time....and decided the better decision was to not feel at all. To just not care.
I'm sure I'm a little melodramatic b/c I got screwed again, but I really don't want to care. I hate the way all this is making me feel. There is no way DH is ever going to understand how I'm feeling. He came at me with the logical side of things and I told him no amount of logic is going to get me pregnant and frankly I don't care about logic. I care that I can't get pregnant when all the variables are as perfect as they can be. Why keep throwing money at something that's not going to work?
Will I change my mind in a few days? Probably. Maybe I just got all the bad emotions out so I don't break down on Tues when I get the news that I already know I'm going to get.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Things just seem to be going downhill
I don't like it one bit. I know part of my moodiness and just feeling blah about everything is due to the Femara, but there has been too much crap going on to not at least blame life for some of the blahness.
We are still waiting for our house to get fixed. Waiting on insurance to approve the extra money its going to cost to fix everything, which of course they don't want to. So you know what they do? They toss us from adjuster to adjuster. Its some kind of game because you've got to be joking if 3 different adjusters all got new jobs or had something come up that they couldn't work on our claim anymore. Jerk faces!! Give us our damn money so I can have ceilings, damn it!
This week has been Hellacious at work. Its been so busy I feel like I'm running around like a mad woman. So that's been stressful. At least if it slowed down enough to get caught up, and catch your breath, but I seriously feel like I'm suffocating at work. Completely drowning. I hate that feeling.
Then I get home tonight from work wanting to kick my feet up, watch my Netflix movie that came in and try to de-stress and what do I walk into? A house that is 88 degrees b/c our A/C has died. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Ok, so I turn on all the fans we have (which isn't many) and decide I can't stress about this since there's no one we can call until at least tomorrow. So I put in my movie and the damn thing won't play. FML!
Screw it, I'm done. This week needs to hurry up and get over with so I can have a 3 day weekend, work 2 days and then go on my mini-vacation.
We are still waiting for our house to get fixed. Waiting on insurance to approve the extra money its going to cost to fix everything, which of course they don't want to. So you know what they do? They toss us from adjuster to adjuster. Its some kind of game because you've got to be joking if 3 different adjusters all got new jobs or had something come up that they couldn't work on our claim anymore. Jerk faces!! Give us our damn money so I can have ceilings, damn it!
This week has been Hellacious at work. Its been so busy I feel like I'm running around like a mad woman. So that's been stressful. At least if it slowed down enough to get caught up, and catch your breath, but I seriously feel like I'm suffocating at work. Completely drowning. I hate that feeling.
Then I get home tonight from work wanting to kick my feet up, watch my Netflix movie that came in and try to de-stress and what do I walk into? A house that is 88 degrees b/c our A/C has died. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Ok, so I turn on all the fans we have (which isn't many) and decide I can't stress about this since there's no one we can call until at least tomorrow. So I put in my movie and the damn thing won't play. FML!
Screw it, I'm done. This week needs to hurry up and get over with so I can have a 3 day weekend, work 2 days and then go on my mini-vacation.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Butterfly my ass!
It sucks. And not to mention, it makes me feel like crap. Now granted, I've not felt awful recently, but I've had some serious hot flashes, and have been experiencing more fatigue / tiredness lately which up until this morning I chalked up to "maybe" being pregnant. Well, we all know that didn't work. Yes, my beta came back at a 5, but my RE's office doesn't consider anything less than 10 a pregnancy. Looks like they were right as my temp fell hard this morning.
So yes, butterflies...butterflies are beautiful creatures that flutter into our lives and bring us a smile. My butterfly shaped thyroid is giving me anything but smiles. I'd relate my thyroid more to a little demon than a sweet butterfly. Blah!
Needless to say I'm bummed about not being pregnant, but this thyroid issue is really making me batty. I just want it to work right, damn it!
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Just breathe
I will test on Friday...as in less than a week away!! I've got a lot of emotions running around including excitement, fear, calmness, and a bit of anxiousness for good measure. It'll be ok, I keep telling myself...but then I start to think and...well...it gets scary!
I'm afraid that I'll get a BFP, only to miscarry again (its been a year and a half since my last miscarriage and we have yet to be pregnant again), I'm afraid it'll be a stark white BFN...I'm just scared either way.
I am hopeful, don't get me wrong, but I also don't want to get so excited that I get burned. I'm glad that in 6 days I can test and get this over with one way or the other. If its a BFP, then I will be overjoyed (maybe a little cautious, but overjoyed nonetheless), if its a BFN then I will have to shed a few tears and pick myself up and go back fighting-- this time with Femara and IUI.
It would just be really nice to see those 2 lines...I'm kinda running out of year here and I can't bring myself to say "2012 is going to be the year" since I've already said that about 2009, 2010, and 2011. ::le sigh::
I'm afraid that I'll get a BFP, only to miscarry again (its been a year and a half since my last miscarriage and we have yet to be pregnant again), I'm afraid it'll be a stark white BFN...I'm just scared either way.
I am hopeful, don't get me wrong, but I also don't want to get so excited that I get burned. I'm glad that in 6 days I can test and get this over with one way or the other. If its a BFP, then I will be overjoyed (maybe a little cautious, but overjoyed nonetheless), if its a BFN then I will have to shed a few tears and pick myself up and go back fighting-- this time with Femara and IUI.
It would just be really nice to see those 2 lines...I'm kinda running out of year here and I can't bring myself to say "2012 is going to be the year" since I've already said that about 2009, 2010, and 2011. ::le sigh::
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Finally an IUI!!!
We decided to do another natural cycle since June's cycle was spot on PERFECT! As CD14, then 15 then 16 passed with + OPKs but not much in the way of follie size, I started to get discouraged. On the 3rd monitoring appointment my Estradiol finally started to rise and on the 4th appt I had a 19mm follie (Hallelujah) and Estradiol of 168! Woot woot!!
Since everything was looking good and September starting to look like we may have to skip treatment due to both DH and I being OOT, we decided yesterday to go for the IUI. My lovely CRNP here at the satellite office thought it would be worth a shot, so we got scheduled for first thing this morning.
You know DH was for this when Saturday is his sleeping in day...and we had to wake up at 5:30am to get ready and drive the 1 hour drive to make it by 7:30. Everything went well, post wash count = 7mil with 75% motility, Yay Fertility Blend!
I'm really over-the-moon excited and I should really try to calm myself as this could prove disastrous if there aren't 2 pink lines in 2 weeks. But I'm enjoying the joy and hope in it all right now and I don't want to be calm and level headed...so I might have to pay for it later...but I just want to be giddy with happiness right now. So sue me. Its been a rough 2 1/2 years and I'm in need of some TTC hope!
I find today being pretty lucky too since one of my best e-buddies turned IRL buddy's parents had their 50th wedding anniversary today and other family friends of ours celebrated their 23rd wedding anniversary, so today is an awesome day and I hope to add that today was the day we conceived our child!
Since everything was looking good and September starting to look like we may have to skip treatment due to both DH and I being OOT, we decided yesterday to go for the IUI. My lovely CRNP here at the satellite office thought it would be worth a shot, so we got scheduled for first thing this morning.
You know DH was for this when Saturday is his sleeping in day...and we had to wake up at 5:30am to get ready and drive the 1 hour drive to make it by 7:30. Everything went well, post wash count = 7mil with 75% motility, Yay Fertility Blend!
I'm really over-the-moon excited and I should really try to calm myself as this could prove disastrous if there aren't 2 pink lines in 2 weeks. But I'm enjoying the joy and hope in it all right now and I don't want to be calm and level headed...so I might have to pay for it later...but I just want to be giddy with happiness right now. So sue me. Its been a rough 2 1/2 years and I'm in need of some TTC hope!
I find today being pretty lucky too since one of my best e-buddies turned IRL buddy's parents had their 50th wedding anniversary today and other family friends of ours celebrated their 23rd wedding anniversary, so today is an awesome day and I hope to add that today was the day we conceived our child!
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Spring Summary
So I've been so busy and caught up with all the stuff that's been going on that I've completely neglected my blog. So I'm going to try to keep this as short as possible and do a summary of how our spring panned out.
Apr. 13th~ My last post, we got a BFN from my first Femara Cycle.
Apr. 15th~ Was getting ready for our next Femara cycle, this one with an IUI, but God had other plans for us. Our house got hit by a tornado that came through the south of town today. We lost the front part of our roof, gutters, had a tree on our house (luckily little damage from that), and we had a LOT of water damage inside. Our repairs ended up including:
Apr. 27~ As if it weren't bad enough that we had damage to our house on the 15th, today one of the largest tornadoes ever slammed our state and tore up about 10-15% of my city. Not only was the tornado about a mile wide, but it stayed on the ground for almost 200 miles (almost from state border to state border). Completely unheard of! I'm thankful that I did not know anyone who was killed in that storm although the whole state's death toll was high 200's. There were also about 20 or so more tornadoes that ripped through central and northern Alabama that day as well causing a lot of death and destruction to a lot of other cities and towns. It was a horrible day and I count my blessings that while our house is damaged, we still have a house to come home to. Its a day I don't think many will forget anytime soon.
May~ Most of May was more or less ho-hum. We did do some helping a few weekends at the church with tornado relief. The 21st B and I went to ATL with my dad and some family friends and went snorkeling in the shark tank...it was an incredibly awesome experience! Definitely a fun memory and totally something I'd love to do again. Those huge rays and whale sharks swimming right by you and underneath you is just something hard to explain how it makes you feel.
I also had a meeting with my RE to talk about a laparoscopy since I've been having increasing pain (even throughout my cycle, not just during AF). We decided to shoot for June 17th.
June 17th~ So I was really afraid this day would get pushed back as we had a bit of an issue with getting AF to start, even after a PIO. Ended up I started the day of surgery...go figure! I was surprisingly calm the whole night before and morning of. Its weird b/c I got nervous going to my first RE appointment, so you'd think surgery would really freak me out, but I was fine the whole time. Surgery went off without a hitch and mild endo was found and taken care of. I was very lucky in that I had very little pain and none of the shoulder gas pain I was worried about. I was up and moving around the next day and Sunday! Going back to work kinda sucked, but all in all I'd have to say I fared very well.
And well, we are now into summer. We're still waiting on contractors to get busy fixing our house, I'm waiting on AF so we can FINALLY get back on track for that Femara + IUI cycle, and even though I could be pessimistic and upset at a lot of stuff, I have to say I have a good outlook on things. Honestly, coming into this year I thought I'd be a wreck reaching the 2 year mark TTC, and getting to the point where a 2011 baby was no longer possible, and both have passed and I'm ok.
Obviously, there are always good and bad days, but I know that my bad days are better than a lot of people's good days, and I know I'm blessed so I should keep my complaining to a minimum.
Well, that's my spring summary! Hopefully I will be better about updating (but no promises). :P
Apr. 13th~ My last post, we got a BFN from my first Femara Cycle.
Apr. 15th~ Was getting ready for our next Femara cycle, this one with an IUI, but God had other plans for us. Our house got hit by a tornado that came through the south of town today. We lost the front part of our roof, gutters, had a tree on our house (luckily little damage from that), and we had a LOT of water damage inside. Our repairs ended up including:
- a whole new roof (completed)
- getting the tree removed (completed)
- new gutters
- replace ceilings in garage, hallway, and front bathroom
- repaint ALL of our ceilings as we have water spots everywhere
- replace flooring to all carpeted areas (meaning every room except hallway, bathrooms and kitchen/dining area
Apr. 27~ As if it weren't bad enough that we had damage to our house on the 15th, today one of the largest tornadoes ever slammed our state and tore up about 10-15% of my city. Not only was the tornado about a mile wide, but it stayed on the ground for almost 200 miles (almost from state border to state border). Completely unheard of! I'm thankful that I did not know anyone who was killed in that storm although the whole state's death toll was high 200's. There were also about 20 or so more tornadoes that ripped through central and northern Alabama that day as well causing a lot of death and destruction to a lot of other cities and towns. It was a horrible day and I count my blessings that while our house is damaged, we still have a house to come home to. Its a day I don't think many will forget anytime soon.
May~ Most of May was more or less ho-hum. We did do some helping a few weekends at the church with tornado relief. The 21st B and I went to ATL with my dad and some family friends and went snorkeling in the shark tank...it was an incredibly awesome experience! Definitely a fun memory and totally something I'd love to do again. Those huge rays and whale sharks swimming right by you and underneath you is just something hard to explain how it makes you feel.
I also had a meeting with my RE to talk about a laparoscopy since I've been having increasing pain (even throughout my cycle, not just during AF). We decided to shoot for June 17th.
June 17th~ So I was really afraid this day would get pushed back as we had a bit of an issue with getting AF to start, even after a PIO. Ended up I started the day of surgery...go figure! I was surprisingly calm the whole night before and morning of. Its weird b/c I got nervous going to my first RE appointment, so you'd think surgery would really freak me out, but I was fine the whole time. Surgery went off without a hitch and mild endo was found and taken care of. I was very lucky in that I had very little pain and none of the shoulder gas pain I was worried about. I was up and moving around the next day and Sunday! Going back to work kinda sucked, but all in all I'd have to say I fared very well.
And well, we are now into summer. We're still waiting on contractors to get busy fixing our house, I'm waiting on AF so we can FINALLY get back on track for that Femara + IUI cycle, and even though I could be pessimistic and upset at a lot of stuff, I have to say I have a good outlook on things. Honestly, coming into this year I thought I'd be a wreck reaching the 2 year mark TTC, and getting to the point where a 2011 baby was no longer possible, and both have passed and I'm ok.
Obviously, there are always good and bad days, but I know that my bad days are better than a lot of people's good days, and I know I'm blessed so I should keep my complaining to a minimum.
Well, that's my spring summary! Hopefully I will be better about updating (but no promises). :P
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Negatory Batman
Yeah, the verdict is in and its not in my favor...meaning a BFN. I'm handling this one quite well compared to the Clomid one. I cried, yes...and then I picked myself up and talked to two sweet girlfriends for a couple of hours and feel good now.
I've got an appt. tomorrow with the RE to go over everything and B and I decided to go on with another Femara + trigger + TI cycle. And that's it...it is what it is (as a wise friend always tells me).
I'm not going to lie, I'm bummed that I won't be able to bring a child into the world this year, I'm bummed that we are surpassing our 2 year mark of TTC, and BFNs just overly suck. However, I really am ok. I've got my sights set on the next cycle. So here's to a brand new baby in 2012!
I've got an appt. tomorrow with the RE to go over everything and B and I decided to go on with another Femara + trigger + TI cycle. And that's it...it is what it is (as a wise friend always tells me).
I'm not going to lie, I'm bummed that I won't be able to bring a child into the world this year, I'm bummed that we are surpassing our 2 year mark of TTC, and BFNs just overly suck. However, I really am ok. I've got my sights set on the next cycle. So here's to a brand new baby in 2012!
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Alpha BETA Gamma
So I'm rounding out my 2ww here in a few days. My beta is Tues. Its 2 days away and I find it strange that I'm so calm. I'm starting to get a bit anxious b/c my temp dropped horrendously this morning and also got a BFN when I tested.
I'm ok. I know if this doesn't work out I'll be having a 2012 baby which is ok. But at the same time I'm wondering what we should do next. And IUI? Just another round of Femara again and TI? I've got to decide fast b/c come CD5, I'll have to start meds again.
I feel like such an oldie at all this even though I've only done 1 round of Clomid and this is my first round of Femara and first cycle with the RE. But I have been through it with all my sweet e-friends so I guess I feel like I've had all the anxiousness of finding out how the beta went...the up and down feelings...everything. So I feel like this is old hat. Just another day in the infertility world (which it is).
So Tues. I hope to get the news I've been waiting to hear for 2 years now. I hope I see 2 lines that morning so I'm the first one to know. But, my sweet readers, please remind me if I don't get the news I want that I'm heading in the right direction. Don't let me get depressed like I did with the Clomid. I think that is why I'm calm and not too hopeful. I really, really, really, don't want that feeling of dark hopelessness.
It really swallowed me up for about a month and a half and I hated it. I don't want that darkness again. Hopefully jumping right back into a new cycle will help me out, and knowing that I'm dealing with competent doctors (actual REs).
So...two days to find out if I'm going to be a Mommy for Christmas...
I'm ok. I know if this doesn't work out I'll be having a 2012 baby which is ok. But at the same time I'm wondering what we should do next. And IUI? Just another round of Femara again and TI? I've got to decide fast b/c come CD5, I'll have to start meds again.
I feel like such an oldie at all this even though I've only done 1 round of Clomid and this is my first round of Femara and first cycle with the RE. But I have been through it with all my sweet e-friends so I guess I feel like I've had all the anxiousness of finding out how the beta went...the up and down feelings...everything. So I feel like this is old hat. Just another day in the infertility world (which it is).
So Tues. I hope to get the news I've been waiting to hear for 2 years now. I hope I see 2 lines that morning so I'm the first one to know. But, my sweet readers, please remind me if I don't get the news I want that I'm heading in the right direction. Don't let me get depressed like I did with the Clomid. I think that is why I'm calm and not too hopeful. I really, really, really, don't want that feeling of dark hopelessness.
It really swallowed me up for about a month and a half and I hated it. I don't want that darkness again. Hopefully jumping right back into a new cycle will help me out, and knowing that I'm dealing with competent doctors (actual REs).
So...two days to find out if I'm going to be a Mommy for Christmas...
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Our Future Kids
I just had to...I got an email from TB this week showing me where they have a "baby morpher" and I just *had* to do it. So I uploaded headshots of DH and me and this is what we got:
Our little girl:
Our little boy:
Not sure about the crazy spiky hair on the boy, but otherwise I think we are going to have cute kids! :P
Our little girl:
Our little boy:
Not sure about the crazy spiky hair on the boy, but otherwise I think we are going to have cute kids! :P
Thursday, March 17, 2011
The Challenge
Start of Cycle 23...can it be that I'm almost at 2 years trying for a baby?? I can honestly say that when I started out on this journey, I never thought I'd be the one having to go see a specialist and going through procedures. I guess you never know what life is going to throw at you.
I can say that I am blessed (yes you read that right) to have been picked for this journey through infertility. I have met a ton of great women and I now know more than I ever could imagine about what goes on with my body. It definitely still confuses me at times...but lets face it, my body has never been one to do as it should...I think some wires got crossed somewhere and it just whacked out my whole hormonal system!
Anyway, so officially on an RE supervised medicated cycle and so happy to not have to do Clomid again, ::shudders:: Its so overwhelming to think of everything I have to do in the next 2 weeks or so...
I have got to send shout outs and e-hugs to all my sweet e-friends, I honestly can tell you I would have gone crazy and probably been really depressed by now if I hadn't met you all. <3 you from the bottom of my heart.
I can say that I am blessed (yes you read that right) to have been picked for this journey through infertility. I have met a ton of great women and I now know more than I ever could imagine about what goes on with my body. It definitely still confuses me at times...but lets face it, my body has never been one to do as it should...I think some wires got crossed somewhere and it just whacked out my whole hormonal system!
Anyway, so officially on an RE supervised medicated cycle and so happy to not have to do Clomid again, ::shudders:: Its so overwhelming to think of everything I have to do in the next 2 weeks or so...
- Friday, 18th ~ Baseline b/w
- Sunday, 20th ~ Start Femara
- Tuesday, 22nd ~ HSG
- Saturday, 26th ~ CD10 B/W
- Start taking OPKs
- Once I get a +, I have to go in for a monitoring appt and an HSG shot...oh and they are also throwing in a post coital somewhere in there.
I have got to send shout outs and e-hugs to all my sweet e-friends, I honestly can tell you I would have gone crazy and probably been really depressed by now if I hadn't met you all. <3 you from the bottom of my heart.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
I made a blog button! :)
 | ||
| I'll figure out how to add a grab bar soon, I just had to show off my handy work! |
Best weekend ever! (Feb18th-20th)
**Warning** This is more as a reminder to myself than to share any musings or stories. If you read and get bored, don't say I didn't warn you! I just don't want to forget that weekend. :)
Ok so I'm posting this over a week later...and I shouldn't say *ever* because I have had some great weekends, but it was the best in a while.
So starting Friday night, DH and I drove up to the 'Ham for a good friend of ours 30th Birthday. We ate at one of his favorite restaurants, Firebirds and his fiance made it a complete surprise. It was so much fun, and for dessert, K bought a red velvet cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory, YUM!
So Friday night was a fun night with good friends and good food...a great start to the weekend right? Saturday I got up early (yes, I know on a Sat...but it was totally worth it) and got ready to drive back up to B-ham for an early lunch at the Cheesecake Factory with some of the Bama Bumpies. J couldn't make it because she was sick :( but I did get to see B again who is such a sweetie! I also got to meet several other really sweet ladies. Again, cool people, good food...so far this is perfection. Oh and I so had cheesecake again! :P
Some of the ladies had to take off so me and J, J and S walked around and window shopped for about another 30 minutes and then we headed back to our homes. Since I was driving past anyway, I detoured to BMC which is where my RE appt will be at. I like to know where I'm going so I'm not freaking out the day of. Its bad enough having to fight all the traffic.
So back in T-town, and my BFF, M comes into town b/c he bought us Bama Basketball tickets. So the basketball game is totally awesome, way loud and excited and we win so that's even better! Afterward, we go to Wings U which is a new place in town with some strange/unique but good food. There was quite the group of us and there happened to be live music that night. The guy was a good singer and sang some of my favorite tunes. We got seated pretty close so of course we were rambunctious and singing along...which was good because not a lot of people were getting into the music and it made me feel sad for him. I mean I know I don't want to entertain a crowd who's not paying me any attention.
Well, he played a few songs our group loves and we sang LOUD and echoed back parts. We did the "da da da da" parts to the Proclaimers "I Would Walk 500 Miles." So the guy is acknowledging our table and we are loving it. Well our group goes crazy whenever we hear "Sweet Caroline" and we're all together so I walk up to the stage and ask if he knows it. He says "yes"and I tell him if he wants to have fun and hear a bunch of crazies singing at the top of our lungs he should play it. So that's the next song. It was a pretty fun memory. I'm sure most of the other diners thought we were drunk, which we weren't, but hey, we were enjoying the entertainment!
Anyway, Sunday rolls around and after a great sermon at church, we grab some fried chicken, sweet tea and chips at the Publix and head out to my mom's lake house to have a picnic out on the dock. The weekend's weather couldn't have been better. We hung out, had a good time and watched one of my dogs play catch with some floatie toy my brother bought her that she LOVES. I think she loves to jump in the water and swim, so she gets really focused on the toy and its really hard to get her out of the lake sometimes.
So, what more could a girl ask for? Surrounded by great people, eating delicious food, enjoying the wonderful weather...I did not want that weekend to end.
Ok so I'm posting this over a week later...and I shouldn't say *ever* because I have had some great weekends, but it was the best in a while.
So starting Friday night, DH and I drove up to the 'Ham for a good friend of ours 30th Birthday. We ate at one of his favorite restaurants, Firebirds and his fiance made it a complete surprise. It was so much fun, and for dessert, K bought a red velvet cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory, YUM!
So Friday night was a fun night with good friends and good food...a great start to the weekend right? Saturday I got up early (yes, I know on a Sat...but it was totally worth it) and got ready to drive back up to B-ham for an early lunch at the Cheesecake Factory with some of the Bama Bumpies. J couldn't make it because she was sick :( but I did get to see B again who is such a sweetie! I also got to meet several other really sweet ladies. Again, cool people, good food...so far this is perfection. Oh and I so had cheesecake again! :P
Some of the ladies had to take off so me and J, J and S walked around and window shopped for about another 30 minutes and then we headed back to our homes. Since I was driving past anyway, I detoured to BMC which is where my RE appt will be at. I like to know where I'm going so I'm not freaking out the day of. Its bad enough having to fight all the traffic.
So back in T-town, and my BFF, M comes into town b/c he bought us Bama Basketball tickets. So the basketball game is totally awesome, way loud and excited and we win so that's even better! Afterward, we go to Wings U which is a new place in town with some strange/unique but good food. There was quite the group of us and there happened to be live music that night. The guy was a good singer and sang some of my favorite tunes. We got seated pretty close so of course we were rambunctious and singing along...which was good because not a lot of people were getting into the music and it made me feel sad for him. I mean I know I don't want to entertain a crowd who's not paying me any attention.
Well, he played a few songs our group loves and we sang LOUD and echoed back parts. We did the "da da da da" parts to the Proclaimers "I Would Walk 500 Miles." So the guy is acknowledging our table and we are loving it. Well our group goes crazy whenever we hear "Sweet Caroline" and we're all together so I walk up to the stage and ask if he knows it. He says "yes"and I tell him if he wants to have fun and hear a bunch of crazies singing at the top of our lungs he should play it. So that's the next song. It was a pretty fun memory. I'm sure most of the other diners thought we were drunk, which we weren't, but hey, we were enjoying the entertainment!
Anyway, Sunday rolls around and after a great sermon at church, we grab some fried chicken, sweet tea and chips at the Publix and head out to my mom's lake house to have a picnic out on the dock. The weekend's weather couldn't have been better. We hung out, had a good time and watched one of my dogs play catch with some floatie toy my brother bought her that she LOVES. I think she loves to jump in the water and swim, so she gets really focused on the toy and its really hard to get her out of the lake sometimes.
So, what more could a girl ask for? Surrounded by great people, eating delicious food, enjoying the wonderful weather...I did not want that weekend to end.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Taking the dive
So after almost 2 years, lots of going back and forth, many tears, and a little bit of drama, I have picked up the phone and made THE appointment. I'll be having my consultation with a "real" RE on March 3rd!
I put real in quotes b/c as most of you know, I had a brief relationship with my ob/gyn's infertility department back in Jun/Jul 2010 and had a so-so experience. The nurses were great but I never once met the "RE" and really there was no RE at their IF dept. Nope, it was an ob/gyn that ran the dept. and basically several nurses that did EVERYTHING. I'm ok with nurses taking care of me, but to not ever meet the Dr. that has my IF care in her hands?? Unacceptable. I understand them being busy, and I understand the I wasn't at the level of care that required a doctor's intervention, but it would have been nice to meet the person who decided my 6.7 TSH was "fine." Do I know if she even saw the results? I never got to address my concerns with her. So yeah, after a bad experience on Clomid and them basically shrugging my concerns about my thyroid off, I said "no more!" and just quit going.
And now I've gone off and ranted about a facility, which for the most part I have LOVED. Just not the IF dept. so much. Anyway, so new RE is a real RE and I'm actually going to get to meet her and sit down and talk with her and go over what she thinks will be best for me. Interesting concept that is, huh? So I'm excited to get the ball rolling b/c it seems perfectly clear that I will not get pregnant on my own. And so I'm taking a leap off the high dive and hopefully making a beautiful swan dive into the pool of infertility treatments. May the needles enter smoothly and leave little to no bruising, may my emotions remain in tact, and most importantly, may I end up with a nice round belly by the end of the year.
I put real in quotes b/c as most of you know, I had a brief relationship with my ob/gyn's infertility department back in Jun/Jul 2010 and had a so-so experience. The nurses were great but I never once met the "RE" and really there was no RE at their IF dept. Nope, it was an ob/gyn that ran the dept. and basically several nurses that did EVERYTHING. I'm ok with nurses taking care of me, but to not ever meet the Dr. that has my IF care in her hands?? Unacceptable. I understand them being busy, and I understand the I wasn't at the level of care that required a doctor's intervention, but it would have been nice to meet the person who decided my 6.7 TSH was "fine." Do I know if she even saw the results? I never got to address my concerns with her. So yeah, after a bad experience on Clomid and them basically shrugging my concerns about my thyroid off, I said "no more!" and just quit going.
And now I've gone off and ranted about a facility, which for the most part I have LOVED. Just not the IF dept. so much. Anyway, so new RE is a real RE and I'm actually going to get to meet her and sit down and talk with her and go over what she thinks will be best for me. Interesting concept that is, huh? So I'm excited to get the ball rolling b/c it seems perfectly clear that I will not get pregnant on my own. And so I'm taking a leap off the high dive and hopefully making a beautiful swan dive into the pool of infertility treatments. May the needles enter smoothly and leave little to no bruising, may my emotions remain in tact, and most importantly, may I end up with a nice round belly by the end of the year.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Why?
Today a friend of mine said goodbye to her sweet little boy and girl. I don't know why this happened as I know many prayers were sent for their safety. I cried for several hours today, but my heart is still burdened with the fact that she still is crying. Its so cruel.
I hate that this has to be the way it is. I hate that my wonderful friend is hurting so bad.
Your angels will always be remembered. I love you.
I hate that this has to be the way it is. I hate that my wonderful friend is hurting so bad.
Your angels will always be remembered. I love you.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Almost forgot...
My lovely friend Papps over at Our Arduous Journey gave me an award a week or so ago and I totally forgot to post it.
Thanks sweetie! So I'm supposed to share 7 things about myself so here goes:
4. I am a tomboy. I've loved Alabama football for some time now, but the guys have also gotten me interested in basketball, baseball, and hockey over the years. I love to go watch the games and I love hanging out with my guys (including DH). I don't mind getting dressed up for a special occasion, but most days you'll find me in jeans and a comfy shirt with hair pulled back in a ponytail and minimal makeup. That's just the way I am.
5. I am usually very energetic, loud, talkative, opinionated, and animated. I don't like to annoy people, but I know I do sometimes. I really do try to take it down a notch if I realize I'm being over the top. But again, that's just the way I am.
6. My 10 year high school reunion is coming up in June and I'm so excited to see all my classmates again. We were a really awesome group of about 560 graduates. Obviously we didn't all know each other or were even friends with everyone, but even though there were cliques, we all got along and everyone truly cared about each other. Go Falcons!
7. I would really, really like to be a mom. I know DH and I will be good parents, but it does scare me sometimes how much our life is going to change. I can't wait for it to happen, but since its taking so long to get pg, I've had a lot of time to sit and think about how much things will change instead of it just happening after a surprise BFP. I don't resent it though (at least most of the time), I hope the waiting is going to make me better prepared.
Thanks sweetie! So I'm supposed to share 7 things about myself so here goes:
1. I have 3 families (including my stepdad's family). I love that I have 3 families, I get that much extra love not to mention an extra set of grandparents and a whole load of aunts, uncles and cousins!
2. Said families were all together for mine and my oldest brother's high school and college graduations and my wedding and everyone got along perfectly.
3. I was born in Germany (my parents were both in the Air Force)
4. I am a tomboy. I've loved Alabama football for some time now, but the guys have also gotten me interested in basketball, baseball, and hockey over the years. I love to go watch the games and I love hanging out with my guys (including DH). I don't mind getting dressed up for a special occasion, but most days you'll find me in jeans and a comfy shirt with hair pulled back in a ponytail and minimal makeup. That's just the way I am.
5. I am usually very energetic, loud, talkative, opinionated, and animated. I don't like to annoy people, but I know I do sometimes. I really do try to take it down a notch if I realize I'm being over the top. But again, that's just the way I am.
6. My 10 year high school reunion is coming up in June and I'm so excited to see all my classmates again. We were a really awesome group of about 560 graduates. Obviously we didn't all know each other or were even friends with everyone, but even though there were cliques, we all got along and everyone truly cared about each other. Go Falcons!
7. I would really, really like to be a mom. I know DH and I will be good parents, but it does scare me sometimes how much our life is going to change. I can't wait for it to happen, but since its taking so long to get pg, I've had a lot of time to sit and think about how much things will change instead of it just happening after a surprise BFP. I don't resent it though (at least most of the time), I hope the waiting is going to make me better prepared.
I'm also supposed to give this award to so many people who haven't gotten it before, but since I'm still fairly new to the blogging world I'm just going to list some of the blogs I like to keep tabs on. In no particular order:
...And Baby Makes Three
A Day in the Life of Jenn
Missing Baby Carriage
What's left? There's life.
Maybe if You Just Relax
Our Journey...
...And Baby Makes Three
A Day in the Life of Jenn
Missing Baby Carriage
What's left? There's life.
Maybe if You Just Relax
Our Journey...
I'm sure I've missed some, but like I've said, I'm still getting used to all this blogging stuff. :P
Turtle Seizures *TMI warning*
On Saturdays, DH likes to sleep in so I will usually feed our two turtles (yellow belly sliders). Well I feed them normally without any problems, besides them trying to bite my fingers off. They act like they haven't eaten in weeks, but we feed them every morning!
Anyway, so I'm finishing feeding them and Squirt goes crazy and eats like a ton of the veggie sticks so he's having a hard time swallowing. I look away long enough to put the food up and when I look up he's thrown the wad of food up. Gross, I know. Then I notice Squirt doing this weird movement that looks like a seizure. His head twists to the left real rigid and his right arm also does this rigid movement.
I watch him for a little while to make sure he's ok and he's still doing it so I run and get DH (and like a good turtle dad, comes running!). Squirt does the movement a few more times, then takes a poo. Apparently he was constipated or something! He seems to be fine now thank goodness.
It's not like I've never seen them poo, when they were little they would surprise us right when we would be watching them...but they never had the seizure like movements. Ok. so you get pictures for reading the grossness of turtle poo. (Not a pic of the poo!! A pic of the turtles, silly!)
Tibey & Squirt
Anyway, so I'm finishing feeding them and Squirt goes crazy and eats like a ton of the veggie sticks so he's having a hard time swallowing. I look away long enough to put the food up and when I look up he's thrown the wad of food up. Gross, I know. Then I notice Squirt doing this weird movement that looks like a seizure. His head twists to the left real rigid and his right arm also does this rigid movement.
I watch him for a little while to make sure he's ok and he's still doing it so I run and get DH (and like a good turtle dad, comes running!). Squirt does the movement a few more times, then takes a poo. Apparently he was constipated or something! He seems to be fine now thank goodness.
It's not like I've never seen them poo, when they were little they would surprise us right when we would be watching them...but they never had the seizure like movements. Ok. so you get pictures for reading the grossness of turtle poo. (Not a pic of the poo!! A pic of the turtles, silly!)
Tibey & Squirt
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