I can't stop crying

All day today I've been fighting back tears. I'd hear a baby cry in the store and tear up, I'd hear a child say something cute and tear up, I'd start to tear up for absolutely nothing at all...I really don't know what's wrong with me. I have hardly eaten anything in the past week, and I've just been so down in the dumps I'm afraid I'm getting depressed (or I'm already there).

We went to the football game Saturday (the first chance we've gotten to go to a home game), and while I had a good time, I really wasn't into it like I normally am. And after the game when we'll go hang out with friends, I just wanted to go home. I'm scared. I've been through a bout of depression over a year ago after my Clomid cycle, and I really don't want to feel stuck like that again. I miss my old self. I used to be happy and outgoing and laugh at things, and now I find myself wanting to be by myself, and sad and quite and crabby.

Part of me wants to just stop this whole TTC thing b/c I think it is just too much to deal with, but the other part of me knows that I really want a baby and I'm afraid I won't be able to be happy not trying. I hope this is just a phase, and I'm just bummed b/c I'm having to sit out this cycle...but I really am an emotional wreck right now. I don't know what to do to make myself happy again. I just feel lost and hopeless and empty.

I don't care...why bother?

I don't care anymore, at least I'm trying really hard. I don't want to care, I don't want to cry, I don't want to be disappointed anymore. I don't want to have to deal with this bull shit called infertility. It sucks and its ruining me and making me stabby and bitter and I hate feeling like this.

I've tried really hard to stay positive. I have my ups and downs like anyone going through a hard time, but this morning was the turning point I guess. Stupid ass test that never shows two lines EVER...I cried, then I sobbed, I got angry, punched my pillow a few times, contemplated going on a crazy, mad woman, angry spree of just being a bitch to everyone all the time....and decided the better decision was to not feel at all. To just not care.

I'm sure I'm a little melodramatic b/c I got screwed again, but I really don't want to care. I hate the way all this is making me feel. There is no way DH is ever going to understand how I'm feeling. He came at me with the logical side of things and I told him no amount of logic is going to get me pregnant and frankly I don't care about logic. I care that I can't get pregnant when all the variables are as perfect as they can be. Why keep throwing money at something that's not going to work?

Will I change my mind in a few days? Probably. Maybe I just got all the bad emotions out so I don't break down on Tues when I get the news that I already know I'm going to get.