Keep on keeping on

We have had *some* progress with our house. We finally have ceilings up and got the tile work done in the guest bathroom. We have all our laminate flooring at the house and it just needs to get installed. However, the guest bathroom flooded last weekend (weakened turn off under the sink) and it totally ruined our bathroom cabinet, so now we have to look for one of those too.

We were hoping to pay off my car with any insurance money left over, but it seems like its going to be all used up.  Maybe not, but the way things are going, it sure is looking that way. Oh well, it was wishful thinking to get my car paid off by the end of the year. It would just be nice to have that extra $300 going into savings, or going toward paying of other debt.

Anyway, I guess we'll be starting our next and final Femara + IUI cycle...I'm 14dpo on our natural cycle (with great timing btw) and got a BFN. This one hasn't stung so bad since I know our chances per the RE on our own is like 4%. Still sucks though when everything cycle wise seemed good (ovulation on CD 16 and perfect timing)...ah who am I kidding. I'm honestly just doing the Femara cycle b/c a) I have one more round of meds already and b) I'm postponing the inevitable of injects.

I do have some hope that injects will work, but I'm scared that its going to cause me a lot of missed work (and they are stingy with the sick time... you actually get written up for using a lot of sick time in a small period of time) and I know I'm going to be stressed and totally devastated if a cycle of injects doesn't work. Plus shelling out $400 per IUI not to mention all the monitoring appts which = about $500 +/- a cycle is not an easy thing to do. Especially when things still aren't working. Anyway, that is why I am 99% sure this Femara + IUI cycle will be the last medicated cycle this year for me. I just can't go through all this crap during holidays. They are already stressful enough and work is super busy so I think it'll be better to just take a few weeks off and start fresh next year. And no, I refuse to say 2012 will "be my year" or "will be better than 2011" b/c EVERY year I have done that, nothing comes of it and the year before usually ends up not looking so bad after going through the next year.

Anyway, I know this post sounds woe is me and sad, but I honestly am doing well. Besides some minor bumps, we ARE getting our house fixed and our contractors have been great to work with so far. I have started going to an infertility Bible study and have started breaking through some of my anger towards God, and realizing that I need to try to see the big picture b/c what I'm going through now is just a little glimpse of the whole. I have some great friends that I love talking to and texting with. They help me, encourage me, and we just share in this heartbreak together which helps me (and I hope them) get through the year.

Just a little check in since its been a while. Hopefully I can get some pics of our "new" house once everything is done. It'll be something to celebrate for sure!

I can't stop crying

All day today I've been fighting back tears. I'd hear a baby cry in the store and tear up, I'd hear a child say something cute and tear up, I'd start to tear up for absolutely nothing at all...I really don't know what's wrong with me. I have hardly eaten anything in the past week, and I've just been so down in the dumps I'm afraid I'm getting depressed (or I'm already there).

We went to the football game Saturday (the first chance we've gotten to go to a home game), and while I had a good time, I really wasn't into it like I normally am. And after the game when we'll go hang out with friends, I just wanted to go home. I'm scared. I've been through a bout of depression over a year ago after my Clomid cycle, and I really don't want to feel stuck like that again. I miss my old self. I used to be happy and outgoing and laugh at things, and now I find myself wanting to be by myself, and sad and quite and crabby.

Part of me wants to just stop this whole TTC thing b/c I think it is just too much to deal with, but the other part of me knows that I really want a baby and I'm afraid I won't be able to be happy not trying. I hope this is just a phase, and I'm just bummed b/c I'm having to sit out this cycle...but I really am an emotional wreck right now. I don't know what to do to make myself happy again. I just feel lost and hopeless and empty.

I don't care...why bother?

I don't care anymore, at least I'm trying really hard. I don't want to care, I don't want to cry, I don't want to be disappointed anymore. I don't want to have to deal with this bull shit called infertility. It sucks and its ruining me and making me stabby and bitter and I hate feeling like this.

I've tried really hard to stay positive. I have my ups and downs like anyone going through a hard time, but this morning was the turning point I guess. Stupid ass test that never shows two lines EVER...I cried, then I sobbed, I got angry, punched my pillow a few times, contemplated going on a crazy, mad woman, angry spree of just being a bitch to everyone all the time....and decided the better decision was to not feel at all. To just not care.

I'm sure I'm a little melodramatic b/c I got screwed again, but I really don't want to care. I hate the way all this is making me feel. There is no way DH is ever going to understand how I'm feeling. He came at me with the logical side of things and I told him no amount of logic is going to get me pregnant and frankly I don't care about logic. I care that I can't get pregnant when all the variables are as perfect as they can be. Why keep throwing money at something that's not going to work?

Will I change my mind in a few days? Probably. Maybe I just got all the bad emotions out so I don't break down on Tues when I get the news that I already know I'm going to get.

Things just seem to be going downhill

I don't like it one bit. I know part of my moodiness and just feeling blah about everything is due to the Femara, but there has been too much crap going on to not at least blame life for some of the blahness.

We are still waiting for our house to get fixed. Waiting on insurance to approve the extra money its going to cost to fix everything, which of course they don't want to. So you know what they do? They toss us from adjuster to adjuster. Its some kind of game because you've got to be joking if 3 different adjusters all got new jobs or had something come up that they couldn't work on our claim anymore. Jerk faces!! Give us our damn money so I can have ceilings, damn it!

This week has been Hellacious at work. Its been so busy I feel like I'm running around like a mad woman. So that's been stressful. At least if it slowed down enough to get caught up, and catch your breath, but I seriously feel like I'm suffocating at work. Completely drowning. I hate that feeling.

Then I get home tonight from work wanting to kick my feet up, watch my Netflix movie that came in and try to de-stress and what do I walk into? A house that is 88 degrees b/c our A/C has died. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Ok, so I turn on all the fans we have (which isn't many) and decide I can't stress about this since there's no one we can call until at least tomorrow. So I put in my movie and the damn thing won't play. FML!

Screw it, I'm done. This week needs to hurry up and get over with so I can have a 3 day weekend, work 2 days and then go on my mini-vacation.

Butterfly my ass!

Ahh, the thyroid, the "butterfly" shaped organ that helps your body control energy consumption and produce a myriad of hormones to do various things for your body. Well, my thyroid is screwed up, like way up. Its up and then down, I'm on meds, then I'm not, then I am, then they have to double my dose. I don't understand it. We've been trying to get this thing under control for over a year now. I am pretty certain this organ is the reason why I haven't been able to get (or stay) pregnant for the last 2 1/2 years.

It sucks. And not to mention, it makes me feel like crap. Now granted, I've not felt awful recently, but I've had some serious hot flashes, and have been experiencing more fatigue / tiredness lately which up until this morning I chalked up to "maybe" being pregnant. Well, we all know that didn't work. Yes, my beta came back at a 5, but my RE's office doesn't consider anything less than 10 a pregnancy. Looks like they were right as my temp fell hard this morning.

So yes, butterflies...butterflies are beautiful creatures that flutter into our lives and bring us a smile. My butterfly shaped thyroid is giving me anything but smiles. I'd relate my thyroid more to a little demon than a sweet butterfly. Blah!

Needless to say I'm bummed about not being pregnant, but this thyroid issue is really making me batty. I just want it to work right, damn it!

Just breathe

I will test on Friday...as in less than a week away!! I've got a lot of emotions running around including excitement, fear, calmness, and a bit of anxiousness for good measure. It'll be ok, I keep telling myself...but then I start to think and...well...it gets scary!

I'm afraid that I'll get a BFP, only to miscarry again (its been a year and a half since my last miscarriage and we have yet to be pregnant again), I'm afraid it'll be a stark white BFN...I'm just scared either way.

I am hopeful, don't get me wrong, but I also don't want to get so excited that I get burned. I'm glad that in 6 days I can test and get this over with one way or the other. If its a BFP, then I will be overjoyed (maybe a little cautious, but overjoyed nonetheless), if its a BFN then I will have to shed a few tears and pick myself up and go back fighting-- this time with Femara and IUI.

It would just be really nice to see those 2 lines...I'm kinda running out of year here and I can't bring myself to say "2012 is going to be the year" since I've already said that about 2009, 2010, and 2011. ::le sigh::

Finally an IUI!!!

We decided to do another natural cycle since June's cycle was spot on PERFECT! As CD14, then 15 then 16 passed with + OPKs but not much in the way of follie size, I started to get discouraged. On the 3rd monitoring appointment my Estradiol finally started to rise and on the 4th appt I had a 19mm follie (Hallelujah) and Estradiol of 168! Woot woot!!

Since everything was looking good and September starting to look like we may have to skip treatment due to both DH and I being OOT, we decided yesterday to go for the IUI. My lovely CRNP here at the satellite office thought it would be worth a shot, so we got scheduled for first thing this morning.

You know DH was for this when Saturday is his sleeping in day...and we had to wake up at 5:30am to get ready and drive the 1 hour drive to make it by 7:30. Everything went well, post wash count = 7mil with 75% motility, Yay Fertility Blend!

I'm really over-the-moon excited and I should really try to calm myself as this could prove disastrous if there aren't 2 pink lines in 2 weeks. But I'm enjoying the joy and hope in it all right now and I don't want to be calm and level headed...so I might have to pay for it later...but I just want to be giddy with happiness right now. So sue me. Its been a rough 2 1/2 years and I'm in need of some TTC hope!

I find today being pretty lucky too since one of my best e-buddies turned IRL buddy's parents had their 50th wedding anniversary today and other family friends of ours celebrated their 23rd wedding anniversary, so today is an awesome day and I hope to add that today was the day we conceived our child!