I can't stop crying

All day today I've been fighting back tears. I'd hear a baby cry in the store and tear up, I'd hear a child say something cute and tear up, I'd start to tear up for absolutely nothing at all...I really don't know what's wrong with me. I have hardly eaten anything in the past week, and I've just been so down in the dumps I'm afraid I'm getting depressed (or I'm already there).

We went to the football game Saturday (the first chance we've gotten to go to a home game), and while I had a good time, I really wasn't into it like I normally am. And after the game when we'll go hang out with friends, I just wanted to go home. I'm scared. I've been through a bout of depression over a year ago after my Clomid cycle, and I really don't want to feel stuck like that again. I miss my old self. I used to be happy and outgoing and laugh at things, and now I find myself wanting to be by myself, and sad and quite and crabby.

Part of me wants to just stop this whole TTC thing b/c I think it is just too much to deal with, but the other part of me knows that I really want a baby and I'm afraid I won't be able to be happy not trying. I hope this is just a phase, and I'm just bummed b/c I'm having to sit out this cycle...but I really am an emotional wreck right now. I don't know what to do to make myself happy again. I just feel lost and hopeless and empty.

I don't care...why bother?

I don't care anymore, at least I'm trying really hard. I don't want to care, I don't want to cry, I don't want to be disappointed anymore. I don't want to have to deal with this bull shit called infertility. It sucks and its ruining me and making me stabby and bitter and I hate feeling like this.

I've tried really hard to stay positive. I have my ups and downs like anyone going through a hard time, but this morning was the turning point I guess. Stupid ass test that never shows two lines EVER...I cried, then I sobbed, I got angry, punched my pillow a few times, contemplated going on a crazy, mad woman, angry spree of just being a bitch to everyone all the time....and decided the better decision was to not feel at all. To just not care.

I'm sure I'm a little melodramatic b/c I got screwed again, but I really don't want to care. I hate the way all this is making me feel. There is no way DH is ever going to understand how I'm feeling. He came at me with the logical side of things and I told him no amount of logic is going to get me pregnant and frankly I don't care about logic. I care that I can't get pregnant when all the variables are as perfect as they can be. Why keep throwing money at something that's not going to work?

Will I change my mind in a few days? Probably. Maybe I just got all the bad emotions out so I don't break down on Tues when I get the news that I already know I'm going to get.

Things just seem to be going downhill

I don't like it one bit. I know part of my moodiness and just feeling blah about everything is due to the Femara, but there has been too much crap going on to not at least blame life for some of the blahness.

We are still waiting for our house to get fixed. Waiting on insurance to approve the extra money its going to cost to fix everything, which of course they don't want to. So you know what they do? They toss us from adjuster to adjuster. Its some kind of game because you've got to be joking if 3 different adjusters all got new jobs or had something come up that they couldn't work on our claim anymore. Jerk faces!! Give us our damn money so I can have ceilings, damn it!

This week has been Hellacious at work. Its been so busy I feel like I'm running around like a mad woman. So that's been stressful. At least if it slowed down enough to get caught up, and catch your breath, but I seriously feel like I'm suffocating at work. Completely drowning. I hate that feeling.

Then I get home tonight from work wanting to kick my feet up, watch my Netflix movie that came in and try to de-stress and what do I walk into? A house that is 88 degrees b/c our A/C has died. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Ok, so I turn on all the fans we have (which isn't many) and decide I can't stress about this since there's no one we can call until at least tomorrow. So I put in my movie and the damn thing won't play. FML!

Screw it, I'm done. This week needs to hurry up and get over with so I can have a 3 day weekend, work 2 days and then go on my mini-vacation.

Butterfly my ass!

Ahh, the thyroid, the "butterfly" shaped organ that helps your body control energy consumption and produce a myriad of hormones to do various things for your body. Well, my thyroid is screwed up, like way up. Its up and then down, I'm on meds, then I'm not, then I am, then they have to double my dose. I don't understand it. We've been trying to get this thing under control for over a year now. I am pretty certain this organ is the reason why I haven't been able to get (or stay) pregnant for the last 2 1/2 years.

It sucks. And not to mention, it makes me feel like crap. Now granted, I've not felt awful recently, but I've had some serious hot flashes, and have been experiencing more fatigue / tiredness lately which up until this morning I chalked up to "maybe" being pregnant. Well, we all know that didn't work. Yes, my beta came back at a 5, but my RE's office doesn't consider anything less than 10 a pregnancy. Looks like they were right as my temp fell hard this morning.

So yes, butterflies...butterflies are beautiful creatures that flutter into our lives and bring us a smile. My butterfly shaped thyroid is giving me anything but smiles. I'd relate my thyroid more to a little demon than a sweet butterfly. Blah!

Needless to say I'm bummed about not being pregnant, but this thyroid issue is really making me batty. I just want it to work right, damn it!

Just breathe

I will test on Friday...as in less than a week away!! I've got a lot of emotions running around including excitement, fear, calmness, and a bit of anxiousness for good measure. It'll be ok, I keep telling myself...but then I start to think and...well...it gets scary!

I'm afraid that I'll get a BFP, only to miscarry again (its been a year and a half since my last miscarriage and we have yet to be pregnant again), I'm afraid it'll be a stark white BFN...I'm just scared either way.

I am hopeful, don't get me wrong, but I also don't want to get so excited that I get burned. I'm glad that in 6 days I can test and get this over with one way or the other. If its a BFP, then I will be overjoyed (maybe a little cautious, but overjoyed nonetheless), if its a BFN then I will have to shed a few tears and pick myself up and go back fighting-- this time with Femara and IUI.

It would just be really nice to see those 2 lines...I'm kinda running out of year here and I can't bring myself to say "2012 is going to be the year" since I've already said that about 2009, 2010, and 2011. ::le sigh::

Finally an IUI!!!

We decided to do another natural cycle since June's cycle was spot on PERFECT! As CD14, then 15 then 16 passed with + OPKs but not much in the way of follie size, I started to get discouraged. On the 3rd monitoring appointment my Estradiol finally started to rise and on the 4th appt I had a 19mm follie (Hallelujah) and Estradiol of 168! Woot woot!!

Since everything was looking good and September starting to look like we may have to skip treatment due to both DH and I being OOT, we decided yesterday to go for the IUI. My lovely CRNP here at the satellite office thought it would be worth a shot, so we got scheduled for first thing this morning.

You know DH was for this when Saturday is his sleeping in day...and we had to wake up at 5:30am to get ready and drive the 1 hour drive to make it by 7:30. Everything went well, post wash count = 7mil with 75% motility, Yay Fertility Blend!

I'm really over-the-moon excited and I should really try to calm myself as this could prove disastrous if there aren't 2 pink lines in 2 weeks. But I'm enjoying the joy and hope in it all right now and I don't want to be calm and level headed...so I might have to pay for it later...but I just want to be giddy with happiness right now. So sue me. Its been a rough 2 1/2 years and I'm in need of some TTC hope!

I find today being pretty lucky too since one of my best e-buddies turned IRL buddy's parents had their 50th wedding anniversary today and other family friends of ours celebrated their 23rd wedding anniversary, so today is an awesome day and I hope to add that today was the day we conceived our child!

Spring Summary

So I've been so busy and caught up with all the stuff that's been going on that I've completely neglected my blog. So I'm going to try to keep this as short as possible and do a summary of how our spring panned out.

Apr. 13th~ My last post, we got a BFN from my first Femara Cycle.

Apr. 15th~ Was getting ready for our next Femara cycle, this one with an IUI, but God had other plans for us. Our house got hit by a tornado that came through the south of town today. We lost the front part of our roof, gutters, had a tree on our house (luckily little damage from that), and we had a LOT of water damage inside. Our repairs ended up including:

• a whole new roof (completed)
• getting the tree removed (completed)
• new gutters
• replace ceilings in garage, hallway, and front bathroom
• repaint ALL of our ceilings as we have water spots everywhere
• replace flooring to all carpeted areas (meaning every room except hallway, bathrooms and kitchen/dining area

As you can see we've only got two things finished, everything else is taking a long while because Apr. 27th happened. I quickly made the decision that it was going to be way to stressful to try to do a medicated cycle with so much going on, so we canceled until further notice. :(

Apr. 27~ As if it weren't bad enough that we had damage to our house on the 15th, today one of the largest tornadoes ever slammed our state and tore up about 10-15% of my city. Not only was the tornado about a mile wide, but it stayed on the ground for almost 200 miles (almost from state border to state border). Completely unheard of! I'm thankful that I did not know anyone who was killed in that storm although the whole state's death toll was high 200's. There were also about 20 or so more tornadoes that ripped through central and northern Alabama that day as well causing a lot of death and destruction to a lot of other cities and towns. It was a horrible day and I count my blessings that while our house is damaged, we still have a house to come home to. Its a day I don't think many will forget anytime soon.

May~ Most of May was more or less ho-hum. We did do some helping a few weekends at the church with tornado relief. The 21st B and I went to ATL with my dad and some family friends and went snorkeling in the shark tank...it was an incredibly awesome experience! Definitely a fun memory and totally something I'd love to do again. Those huge rays and whale sharks swimming right by you and underneath you is just something hard to explain how it makes you feel.

I also had a meeting with my RE to talk about a laparoscopy since I've been having increasing pain (even throughout my cycle, not just during AF). We decided to shoot for June 17th.

June 17th~ So I was really afraid this day would get pushed back as we had a bit of an issue with getting AF to start, even after a PIO. Ended up I started the day of surgery...go figure! I was surprisingly calm the whole night before and morning of. Its weird b/c I got nervous going to my first RE appointment, so you'd think surgery would really freak me out, but I was fine the whole time. Surgery went off without a hitch and mild endo was found and taken care of. I was very lucky in that I had very little pain and none of the shoulder gas pain I was worried about. I was up and moving around the next day and Sunday! Going back to work kinda sucked, but all in all I'd have to say I fared very well.

And well, we are now into summer. We're still waiting on contractors to get busy fixing our house, I'm waiting on AF so we can FINALLY get back on track for that Femara + IUI cycle, and even though I could be pessimistic and upset at a lot of stuff, I have to say I have a good outlook on things. Honestly, coming into this year I thought I'd be a wreck reaching the 2 year mark TTC, and getting to the point where a 2011 baby was no longer possible, and both have passed and I'm ok.

Obviously, there are always good and bad days, but I know that my bad days are better than a lot of people's good days, and I know I'm blessed so I should keep my complaining to a minimum.

Well, that's my spring summary! Hopefully I will be better about updating (but no promises). :P